


If You're Looking for a Promotion (Look Away)

by zabiume



Series: How to Win Fights and Influence People [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen, Paperwork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:35:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24994741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zabiume/pseuds/zabiume
Summary: The unofficial story behind how Renji made sixth seat.
Series: How to Win Fights and Influence People [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1801651
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	If You're Looking for a Promotion (Look Away)

**Author's Note:**

> This is mainly all crack; I do think Renji worked very hard to rise up the ranks. That being said, I also think Squad Eleven works on the whims and fancies of Yachiru, so it goes both ways.

"Baldy!" 

The thing about the Eleventh is that there's always a competitive streak going around in the air. Whatever the task is -- however small, however insignificant -- if there's a way to beat someone at it, then it's fair game. 

That's how Renji thinks he's been sucked into this incredibly dry and boring _karuta_ game with Ikkaku anyway. Squad 11 doesn't make quitters, but that more or less means they can't stop this game unless someone either breaks the table (very likely) or one of them decides to quit (very unlikely). 

Luckily, there's a third unforeseen option that comes in the form of a very short, very pink-haired Lieutenant. 

"Mornin' Lieutenant." Renji greets with a grin. 

"Mornin'" she chirps, barely giving Renji a glance. She turns to Ikkaku. "Baldy." She looks at him with seemingly innocent eyes. "I called you." 

"Must not have heard ya." Ikkaku bites the nail on his pinkie, averting his eyes from hers. "Sorry." 

"Well I'm here now and I need you to solve a problem for me," Yachiru demands, darting in one quick motion to stand on top of the table. The action brushes a few cards off the table, effectively suspending the game. 

Ikkaku leans back with a groan. "You know Yumichika's the problem-solver around here, Lieutenant, whatchu coming to me for?" 

"He's not _here_ , dummy," Yachiru says, with a gratuitous eye roll. She's got a parchment clutched tightly in her tiny fists, that she shoves furiously at Ikkaku. "Look at what they did!" 

"Can't read." Ikkaku says, flatly, passing the document to Renji. 

Renji examines it. It's a nice, waxy paper with a Shinigami Women's Association letterhead printed glossily on the top. It's got an ordinance code stamped on the left corner, which means it's serious business.

As serious as things get with the SWA, anyway. 

"Uh, what's the matter, ma'am?" Renji asks, with a frown. 

Yachiru punches the sheet with a short finger. Renji directs his gaze to where she's pointing. 

"'Member Designation Changes for the New Year," Renji reads out aloud. "As of the new fiscal year, it is with great pertinence and care that Captain Unohana Retsu, of the Fourth, has hereby been instated as the Supervising Chairwoman until further notice." 

Yachiru crosses her arms. "I don't like that word." 

"Further?" Ikkaku asks.  
"Notice?" Renji echoes. 

" _Supervising_ , you knuckleheads!" Yachiru says crossly, whacking Ikkaku across the head. "I don't want to be supervised, I want you to fix this." 

Ikkaku scoffs, shaking his head. "Take it up with the Captain, I ain't going anywhere _near_ that woman." 

Renji frowns, reading it again. "Lieutenant, I don't think this means she's going to boss you around, I think it just means she's going to oversee like, the budget and stuff." He explains. "It still says you're the President, see." 

He points out her name on the chart to her. 

Yachiru's eyes sparkle with a newfound fascination, like Renji is a shiny pebble she's found in a heap of dull rocks at the beach. "You," she says. "What's your name?" 

"Abarai Renji," Renji replies nervously. "Seventh seat." 

"I'll call you Red," she decides importantly. 

"Renji," Ikkaku mutters in his ear. "Get out of here while you can, go." 

But Yachiru grabs onto Renji's shihakusho sleeve with surprising strength. The black fabric curls tightly in her fist. 

"You understand paperwork, Red?" Yachiru asks innocently. There's a maniacal tone to her voice underneath the childlike lilt that tells him he's walked into something terrifying. 

"Um, yeah?" 

Ikkaku shakes his head vociferously from behind her. 

"Only Yumichika understands paperwork." Yachiru says with a frown. "Why do you understand paperwork?" 

Renji doesn't know how to answer that, so he shrugs. 

"Then it's decided!" Yachiru claps. "You're coming with me to the SWA meeting and we're gonna get the lady's title changed to something that's _not_ supervising." 

"I fucking told you." Ikkaku says, getting up from his seat and clapping Renji's shoulder sympathetically. "Good luck." 

"Uh, isn't the SWA restricted to, well, women?" Renji asks, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I'm President, I can do what I want," Yachiru says, tugging him to his feet. 

"Then why can't you change the name yourself?" Renji mutters under his breath. 

"Because, they want me to fill forms and sign papers," Yachiru explains with a whine. "I don't trust papers." 

Renji raises his eyebrows. He highly doubts anyone would try to cross Captain Zaraki's Lieutenant via something as rudimentary as paperwork, but she seems to think this is an Obvious Ploy to dethrone her. 

"If you do this for me, I'll promote you to sixth seat." Yachiru offers, waggling her eyebrows promisingly. "It's a sweet deal." 

Renji shoots Ikkaku a _'she can do that?'_ look but Ikkaku just shrugs with a grin, like he's too far gone now. 

"To the women!" Yachiru exclaims, darting ahead. 

Renji has no choice but to follow. 

______

The women are not happy to see Renji to say the least. 

They’ve all assembled in a conference room in the First Division -- a clandestine little office with tea and tea tables and everything. All the women sit in a neat little circle, on a soft-looking oriental rug. When Renji and Yachiru enter, there’s a general wave of dissent. 

“President Yachiru, what’s the meaning of this?” Nanao raises her eyebrows at the ‘ _this,’_ who is Renji. 

“Good morning,” Captain Unohana says sweetly. 

Renji bows to wish her, but when he raises his head there’s a steely, passive aggressive look in her eyes that sends a shiver down his spine. This is, as Ikkaku said, a bad idea. And not a good bad idea, just a bad one. 

“Abarai,” Rangiku sings, probably the only woman in the room who doesn’t want him to drop dead, with the exception of Nemu, who’s giving him a blank look. “Are we fighting with the Men’s Association again?”

“No,” Yachiru says simply, flopping down onto a pouffe Renji thinks she had made specially for her. It’s not big enough to fit anyone else. “I brought Red to go over my paperwork with me.” She pats the floor beside her. “Sit down, Red!” 

Renji looks around the room. Though there’s obvious discomfort, none of the women dare say anything against Yachiru’s word, so he sits awkwardly, criss-cross applesauce behind Yachiru.

“Wonderful,” Captain Unohana remarks calmly. “Now onto the meeting, I think?” 

The women murmur in agreement and the meeting commences. 

Renji wishes he was dead. 

______

"Anyway, so I say to him, three shinigami walk into a bar --" 

"Good God, Captain, we've heard this one already," Yumichika groans, taking a swig of his beer. They've all assembled at the Dragon, dirty mugs of beer passed between them.  
"And please not the one with the werewolf hiding its tail between its legs either, I can never look Captain Komamura in the eyes after that one." 

"I thought that was good, actually," Ikkaku starts, but simmers down when Yumichika elbows him in the chest. 

"Tch. Buzzkill," Zaraki mutters, regarding the group. "What're we celebratin' anyway? One of you get promoted?" 

Yumichika grins in glee, pointing to Renji who's already buried his head in his hands. "Abarai made sixth seat." 

"Since when?" Zaraki frowns. 

"The Lieutenant called in a favor," Ikkaku explains, shooting the Captain a knowing look. 

Zaraki shrugs. "Why's he lookin' like it's his funeral, then? Yachiru make him carry her around Rukon again?" 

"She made him come to a Women's Association meeting," Yumichika explains. 

"Ah, pour one out to Abarai, then. Truly a fallen soldier." 

"Truly." Ikkaku raises his glass in agreement. 

Renji lets out a muffled cry, to which Yumichika rubs his neck sympathetically. "There, there," he says, holding back a laugh. "You should have waited for me to come back. You know Captain Unohana quite literally has looks that kill and you went forth anyway." 

"She didn't even say anything and I felt my self hatred only increase throughout the meeting," Renji groans, rubbing his forehead. "We sure her bankai isn't making her opponents self-critical or something?" 

"Be happy she obliged to change it to just Chairwoman," Ikkaku drawls. "Between the wrath of Captain Unohana and our Lieutenant, it's a miracle you even survived." 

"She's going to kill me, isn't she?" Renji asks Yumichika. "She's definitely going to kill me." 

"I think she'll let you off the hook since you found a smart way to exploit Ordinace JX-0045: Naming and Designation of Officers," Yumichika comments, flipping his hair aside. "I myself wouldn't have thought of it." 

"This is why I never learned how to read." Ikkaku brags, but they all know that's a lie since Ikkaku is a regular subscriber to the Seretei Communication. How no one checks him on it is a mystery. "It's all downhill from there." 

"Seeing he made sixth seat, I'd say it's only uphill from here on out." 

Renji cries.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! I'm at kazeshini-s on Tumblr as always.


End file.
